Cereal Review: New! Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch

When we last left my quest to find the quintessential sugary kids cereal, we confirmed that Chocolate Lucky Charms is, indeed, a fine representation of both nostalgia and novelty in a product. Despite my initial disappointment in the cereal to deliver upon what the poet TS Eliot called “the long looked forward to,” the Chocolate Lucky Charms has grown on me, especially in snack form. Having blown through a box already, it’s time to investigate another new cereal offering, and see whether or not clever marketing and internet hysteria really deliver where it counts: taste.

No, I didn’t order Chocolatey Captain Crunch off Amazon, although for the super low price of $9.95, you too can find yourself in possession of the sweetened corn and oat cereal made with “real cocoa.” I’ve been on the hunt for this treat –  apparently an attempt to resurrect previous chocolate Cap’n Crunch variants – ever since reading about it on The Impulsive Buy earlier this year, but all my attempts have yielded no results. Being the resourceful young millennial I am, I of course turned to the internet, and the handy-dandy Chocolatey Captain Crunch locator. A few text messages and a few bucks later, I procured the necessary means to make this review a reality.

Upon careful first inspection, the pieces of “Chocolatey Crunch” are almost identical to regular crunch pieces, although more likely to be stuck together and a bit lighter and crisper. They smell a bit like corn and stale cocoa, and, when eaten one at a time, taste unremarkable and devoid of anything associated with the word “chocolate.” In fact, I’d use the phrase “fail, see EPIC” to describe my initial snack tasting of this chocolate version, finding no hint of richness or even the sweetness of coconut oil-toasted goodness typically found in regular Cap’n Crunch. And to think, I nearly paid 10 bucks a box for these on Amazon!

Guided by a hope that milk would redeem Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch, I proceeded to add the dairy to the coal-looking pieces. Because of circumstance involving me + a mountain + no car, my access to dairy is often confined to shelf stable items, but a half cup of fat free evaporated milk and two tablespoons of half and half figured to add a sweet richness to my after dinner bowl.

The good news for you Crunch fanatics out there is that Chocolatey Captain Crunch will indeed stick to the roof of your mouth, and that, when given time to absorb milk, will become sweeter. The bad news is that the chocolate flavor is still incredibly weak. I mean, it might be weaker than Cookie Crisp, for crying out loud. There’s not even any artificial berry flavor to help balance out the singular, weak notes of cocoa, and no textural mix-ins to help break up the sweet corn pieces that build up on the upper reaches of your mouth.

I was curious to why this cereal wasn’t being advertised or distributed more, but now I see why. For a chocolate kids cereal… it sucks. There’s really no other way of putting it, and despite my love of Cap’n Crunch Berries, I can’t help but label Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch among the single greatest disappointments in all of cereal-dom. Which leads me to my final point – a cereal exchange. I’ve heard reports of French Toast Crunch being available in Canada, and, being a lover of the great quest of cereal hunting, I’m asking any of our friendly Canadian readers to reach out to us here if you’d be willing to indulge my curiosity for kids cereal. I’m open to bartering, of course, provided you’re not an Ottawa Senators fan and provided you won’t make me sell my soul as a lifelong Buffalo Sabres fan.

Adam’s Cereal Ranking Index:

  • Sweetness: 6.00/10
  • Flavor: 2.00/10
  • Snackability: 3.00/10
  • Healthy Junk: 5.00/10
  • End Milk: 5.00/10 (Adjusted for sweetness and richness of combo)
  • Nostalgia: 9.00/10

Final Score: 5.00/10

Past Cereal Reviews:

[Chocolate Lucky Charms] [Waffle Crisp] [Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch] [Chocolatey Frosted Mini Spooners] [Honey Graham Trackers] [Cinnabon] [Marshmallow Pebbles] [Fiber One Caramel Delight] [Kashi Honey Sunshine]

 

21 comments on “Cereal Review: New! Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch

  1. SkippyMom says:

    I don’t buy Cap’n Crunch because it tears up the roof of my mouth [don’t ask me why, it’s just TOO crunchy I suppose] but I am sorry it disappointed you.

    What’s up next?

  2. Jesse says:

    I agree with the review, this cereal was pretty awful. It seems like all the new chocolate cereals being released as of late (Choco Luck Charms, Coco Puffs Brownie Crunch) end up being totally lackluster.

    Quaker and General Mills need to get their sh** together.

  3. Jesse says:

    Also, I am up here in Canada and i’m a 3 minute walk away from holding of box of French Toast Crunch in my loving embrace. Do you want me to Fedex over a pallet of them?

  4. Rodzilla says:

    I grabbed these as well but haven’t gotten into them yet. I hope that the weak chocolate flavor means that they taste like regular Captain, I could be down with that.

    Once you have chocolate chex, all other chocolate cereals kind of suck.

    I’ve been on the hunt for FTC as well – quit cramping my style.

  5. Lisa says:

    hahah I didnt even have to check who reviewed this to know…kiddie cereal? def Adam. lol your too funny.
    what a disappointment! thats ok- I was always a pb crunch girl anyway 🙂

  6. missouri says:

    Wow. That milk is so not chocolatey. Not at all what I’d expect.

  7. […] Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch isn’t very good, which greatly disappoints me. I hope Cap’n Crunch gets demoted to Midshipm’n Munch? (via Grub Grade) […]

  8. […] at Serious Eats, has the highest degree of cocoa flavor). What sets it apart from say, a dud like Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch, is that there really aren’t any ”off” flavors of a multi-grain cereal base. […]

  9. Taylor says:

    See, I bought a box of these, and to me, they tasted vaguely of chocolate and instead more like a chocolate covered piece of fruit. Kinda nasty.

  10. […] 7.50/10Final Score: 6.25/10Past Cereal Reviews:[Chocolate Frosted Flakes] [Count Chocula][Chocolatey Cap'n Crunch] [Chocolate Lucky Charms] [Waffle Crisp] [Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch] [Chocolatey Frosted Mini […]

  11. Danny Smith says:

    Wish the box I have would turn into a box of regular crunch so I could eat it. Then I wouldn’t have to through it out. This is terrible, even sugar didn’t help. I usually can sugar up anything and make it OK. but not this stuff. yuck!

  12. […] Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey Crunch reviews: Grub Grade Fatguy Food Blog Life in […]

  13. Selena says:

    Chocolate captain crunch tastes like bananas, not chocolate.

  14. Sally says:

    IT JUST TASTES LIKE BANANAS.

  15. Doug says:

    My girlfriend and I made the mistake of buying a box of these the other day. Wow, talk about a huge disappointment. We both agree that they have a weird banana taste to them. Absolutely nothing chocolate about these things.

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