RememBear This: Totino’s Pizza Rolls
There are a lot of foods that I feel are only acceptable to eat at certain ages. For instance, wine seems to be something that is enjoyed most later in life…whereas split pea soup should only be consumed by infants. There is a segment of food products that I feel should never be consumed by the very young and most certainly an adult should not be caught enjoying. These products must only be enjoyed by the supermetabolic group known as teenagers. One such item is the Totino’s Pizza Roll.
I’ve got five brothers and one sister and when I say we could go through food I mean it. My mother shopped at Costco not as a convenience but as a necessity. The biggest box of whichever item would easily be consumed in one short Golden Eye N64 match-up. We were a small army…actually more like a pack of hyenas swarming around a Mufasa carcass, especially at the good ol’ witching hour of 3:00pm coming home from school.
We actually had three freezers packed to the brim with frozen eats. The indoor unit, and two in the garage one of which was an entire freezer as opposed to half fridge. Within their chilly grasps were all sorts of delectable delights, one of which was always Totino’s Pizza Rolls. I could count on these being there for me after class like I could count on Zach & Screech doing the same. They were right up there with Bagel Bites. I don’t think I’ve tasted either of these in about 12 years. They come in way more flavors than I knew: Cheese, Cheesy Taco, Combo, Pepperoni, Pepperoni Trio, Sausage, Supreme, Three Meat and Triple Cheese. We would eat these bad boys hand over fist. Man do I ever miss the days I could eat anything that caught my fancy without an ounce of regret.
The toughest part was waiting for them to cool. They smelled so good and were staring you right in the face. Do you ever have to heed the warning for these to let sit though? I swear they’re like koopa bombs just waiting to explode in your mouth. You may be able to attribute a lessening in the average American’s palate to Totino’s and Cap’n Crunch. Between the two of them the roof of one’s mouth could look like Jessica Simpson’s chin pre-Proactiv!
I ask you this good reader, what was your go-to after school snack?
Side note, Totinos.com points directly to the Pizza Rolls site even though they all have Totino’s pizzas. Also, did you know Totino’s Pizza Rolls & Jeno’s Pizza Rolls are both manufactured by General Mills? Here’s a vintage Pizza Roll commercial with the tag line “It’s how kids help themselves.” I swore there was another way they do that nowadays: