RememBear This: Totino’s Pizza Rolls

There are a lot of foods that I feel are only acceptable to eat at certain ages.  For instance, wine seems to be something that is enjoyed most later in life…whereas split pea soup should only be consumed by infants.  There is a segment of food products that I feel should never be consumed by the very young and most certainly an adult should not be caught enjoying.  These products must only be enjoyed by the supermetabolic group known as teenagers.  One such item is the Totino’s Pizza Roll.

I’ve got five brothers and one sister and when I say we could go through food I mean it.  My mother shopped at Costco not as a convenience but as a necessity. The biggest box of whichever item would easily be consumed in one short Golden Eye N64 match-up. We were a small army…actually more like a pack of hyenas swarming around a Mufasa carcass, especially at the good ol’ witching hour of 3:00pm coming home from school.

Totinos Pizza Rolls

We actually had three freezers packed to the brim with frozen eats.  The indoor unit, and two in the garage one of which was an entire freezer as opposed to half fridge.  Within their chilly grasps were all sorts of delectable delights, one of which was always Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  I could count on these being there for me after class like I could count on Zach & Screech doing the same.  They were right up there with Bagel Bites.  I don’t think I’ve tasted either of these in about 12 years.  They come in way more flavors than I knew: Cheese, Cheesy Taco, Combo, Pepperoni, Pepperoni Trio, Sausage, Supreme, Three Meat and Triple Cheese.  We would eat these bad boys hand over fist. Man do I ever miss the days I could eat anything that caught my fancy without an ounce of regret.

The toughest part was waiting for them to cool. They smelled so good and were staring you right in the face.  Do you ever have to heed the warning for these to let sit though?  I swear they’re like koopa bombs just waiting to explode in your mouth.  You may be able to attribute a lessening in the average American’s palate to Totino’s and Cap’n Crunch.  Between the two of them the roof of one’s mouth could look like Jessica Simpson’s chin pre-Proactiv!

I ask you this good reader, what was your go-to after school snack?

Side note, points directly to the Pizza Rolls site even though they all have Totino’s pizzas.  Also, did you know Totino’s Pizza Rolls & Jeno’s Pizza Rolls are both manufactured by General Mills? Here’s a vintage Pizza Roll commercial with the tag line “It’s how kids help themselves.”  I swore there was another way they do that nowadays:

27 comments on “RememBear This: Totino’s Pizza Rolls

  1. ChrisSh says:

    Hey, I’m 22 and I have half a bag in my freezer right now! The cheesy taco flavor (apparently unavailable in Minneapolis) cannot be beat! Granted, I’m still basically living the college lifestyle (despite having graduated in the spring) and I can’t eat as many as I used to, but they are still a fine snack (or usually lunch).

    They were not my go-to afterschool snack though, that was usually something chocolatey and a glass of milk. I look back now and wonder why exactly I needed such a big snack three hours after my lunch, but I guess children need calories to grow,eh…

  2. rob says:

    I can’t believe I used to think these were a real treat.

  3. First off, GoldenEye for N64 was and still is THE BEST multi-player platform game. Its a shame Rare is owned by Microsoft and thus the game will never be ported to Nintendo Classic on the Wii 🙁 Sigh.

    Secondly, Pizza Rolls still rock.

    Thirdly, on this picture I found on Flickr sure looks like you still enjoy Pizza Rolls Bear!

  4. Hey Bear! Ya I use to love pizza rolls! My parents divorced when I was really young so when I was over my moms I’d eat healthy and when I was over my dads I’d get junk food (he was good with the grill but that’s all). So ya I dug the pizza rolls 😀

  5. DHL says:

    Pizza Rolls beat any of those hors d’oeuvres us adults have to eat when going to parties.

  6. Two great things about this post:

    1. The fact that you brought up GoldenEye on N64. That game was one of the most fun video games that I think I’ve ever played and we wasted hours upon hours playing it in my college dorm.
    2. You are so right about pizza rolls. I tried to have some a couple years ago and they were crap, yet when I was a kid, it was always a treat to have them.

    I will have to disagree with you on split pea soup though…it freaking rules.

  7. orb205 says:

    Well, I pretty frequently ate individual size frozen pizzas (red baron, digiorno, and amy’s mostly). Does this count? Amy’s pizza bites are ok but probably not as delicious as Totino’s, what with their whole wheat crust and all.

  8. @ChrisSh – Haha. So true, I used to eat so damned much. Pretty much snack after snack after snack.

    @rob – I know right!

    @Gregory Ng: The Frozen Food Master – GoldenEye seriously rocked! 4 player matches were the best (“I got next!”)

    You SOB! You got me 🙂 …..again….shoulda known with the TinyURL.

    @Erin Brooks – Haha, I had the exact situation…..but reversed….so that’s not exact in any regards then is it?

    @DHL – Agreed!

    @IndianapolisEater – 1.) Was? IS!!! 2.) I haven’t had them in my “adult years” yet. Thinking of making a Pizza Roll pizza though 🙂

    No comment on the SPS.

    @orb205 – I haven’t tried those. I love any and all things whole wheat though. I bet I’d actually like them better.

  9. Raiders757 says:

    I’ll have to say that there is no age limit on the things you enjoy. If you like something, who cares what anyone else thinks.

    We didn’t have Pizza Rolls in my day. The best frozen pizza you could get back then was either Red Baron or Celeste Pizza. A far cry from the way things are these days. My teenage daughter loves them, and has been eating them for years. The same can be said for my wife. Myself? I’ll eat a few, but I personally think they’re rather bland. For me, they’re nothing more than a snack to set out while watching football and racing with friends, when nothing else is available.

  10. Raiders757 says:

    Oh crap, forgot to answer the question. Sorry about that.

    My after school go to snack was either…

    … a Steak-Um and cheese sandwich.

    … a fried egg and cheese sandwich

    … a Celeste frozen pizza

    … or cereal

  11. Adam Bomb says:

    I still love pizza rolls, but I don’t eat them very often. It’s difficult to stop eating them once I start!

    Favorite after-school snack? Probably Nutty Bars and white milk. Not the best way to eat right before dinner, but what did I care?

  12. Golden Eye N64 is the reason why I didn’t get any sleep in college. Totinos Pizza Rolls are the reason that I didn’t get any girls in college.

    Favorite after school: Oreo’s in a huge glass of milk and a spoon to dig them out. I am not too proud!

    ps…I am still better than Indianapolis “Odd Job” Eater (6th reply in comments) at GoldenEye.

  13. DHL says:

    @Bear – What is up with the Dough Cam @ 12pm PST on 6/19/09? I’m looking at the ceiling. Also the name Bear Silber is a cool name, Bear Grylls on the other hand is just wrong (Picturing a Bear out in the back yard with tongs and a spatula working his magic on some burgers).

  14. Ryan says:

    Hmmm…go-to after school snack? Pretty much anything….maybe a pepperoni pizza hot pocket. Like an overgrown pizza roll.

  15. Bear Silber says:

    @Raiders757 – You gotta try the pizza rolls with Tabasco, mmmmm. No longer bland 🙂

    …a Steak-Um and cheese sandwich (ewwwww)

    … a fried egg and cheese sandwich (can’t say I’ve had the pleasure)

    … a Celeste frozen pizza (ewwwwww)

    … or cereal (ALWAYS!!!!)

    @Adam Bomb – Agreed, they’re worse than Pringles.

    @wouldibuyitagain – Not sure if you can beat a classic like Oreo’s and milk….unless you add peanut butter.

    @DHL – Thanks for pointing that out. I’ve got to get up on a ladder 🙂

    Thanks, I’ve got cool parents!

    @Ryan – I’ve never been a fan of Hot Pockets….I mean I’ll eat ’em but……

  16. So this post got me in the mood and I dug up my N64 and popped Goldeneye back in. I popped new batteries in the rumble packs and played for about 3 hours. I still miraculously remembered the code for unlocking all players and played as the Helicopter Pilot. Man, I love that game….

  17. Bear Silber says:

    YES! That’s like the best Father’s Day in the world!

    I’m glad I can inspire 🙂

  18. Raiders757 says:

    Damn it, Bear, you never cease to amaze me. Why in the hell didn’t I think of that already? Tabasco is standard issue around my house, as well as Texas Pete. I drink Pete like it’s water, and try to make an excuse to use it on everything. I really feel like holding my head down low, taking my ball, and going home. I put the stuff on pizza from time to time, so why in the heck didn’t I think of that before?

    My kid loves the rolls, so it won’t be long before some come out of the oven. You can bet I’ll be trying your suggestion. Thank you.

  19. Raiders757 says:

    Oh, almost forgot.

    I’m with you on the “ewwwww”.

    I have a really old hand crank meat slicer, so Steak-Um are illegal at my house now. I thin slice rib-eye and make true to form cheese steaks in my cast iron skillet now.

    Pizza is either from the mom & pop shops, one of which I’ve been enjoying since a child in the 70’s, or my own home made style.

    I got everything I need, but sadly my oven doesn’t get as hot as it should for proper pizza creation. I am seriously considering building a brick oven in my back yard. The wife thinks I’ve completely lost it. Can’t blame here. I’m a grilling fanatic, and I’m lucky she puts up me. She says I’m a BBQ bigot, and I’m just as bad about pizza.

    Back to the “ewwwwww”. You have to remember, in my day, we didn’t have the options many of you had.


  20. @Raiders757 – Nice…tell me what you think of it with the Tabasco….it’s almost heavenly 🙂 I swear. I gotta get me some Texas Pete’s.

    Yeah, the oven temp thing is a horrible problem in home kitchens (my here get’s to 700 for the pies). You can try using a slab in there…it’ll help with the bottom crust but if you can definitely get that brick oven in the backyard!!!! Man o’ man would I be jealous!

  21. Pammeh says:

    Haha I went back to these recently and I have to say…pretty disgusting 🙂

    BAGEL BITES, however, are a different story. I will still gladly inhale them

  22. SkippyMom says:

    I could eat a whole sleeve of saltine crackers with Country Crock margarine on them. Yum. Or peanut butter. At then end of the month when supplies ran out [before Mom did the once a month shopping] I remember me and my brother making batches of peanut butter cookies to snack on. We never ran out of peanut butter somehow.

    Usually tho’ my Mom kept the freezer stocked with Stouffer’s beef teriyaki with rice [the boil and bag kind – no micro back then] and I would eat one of those everyday after swim practice. Sadly it no longer exists.

    The pizza rolls are currently in my freezer for my kids – I buy them when they are on sale or I have a coupon [yeah, I’m cheap] and you are SO NOT KIDDING about wanting to eat them hot out of the oven. Such a mistake.

  23. Bear Silber says:

    @SkippyMom – Hehehe, too funny. You’re a good mom to stock them for your wee ones 😛

    The pantry snack diet is popular. At my dad’s we used to eat all we could find combined together….usuallu some ritz, sharp cheedar & tabasco….often pickles and sweet & hot mustard too 🙂

  24. Jeff says:

    I think we remember pizza rolls tasting great because they did, I think at some point they started making them with IMATATION cheese. I think this happened about the same time the pizza roll brand was bought out by Totinos. I’ve always avoided IMATATION cheese, because of the grody taste it has.
    Only the cheese (only) pizza rolls still have real cheese.
    I base this assumption on the fact that I’ve never lost my taste for pepperoni pizza, so why should I have lost my taste for pepperoni pizza rolls?

  25. […] Bear from GrubGrade says, “There is a segment of food products that I feel should never be consumed by the very […]

  26. I love Torino’s, but I think Jenos were better

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