GrubGrade

When we last left my quest to find the quintessential sugary kids cereal, we confirmed that Chocolate Lucky Charms is, indeed, a fine representation of both nostalgia and novelty in a product. Despite my initial disappointment in the cereal to deliver upon what the poet TS Eliot called “the long looked forward to,” the Chocolate Lucky Charms has grown on me, especially in snack form. Having blown through a box already, it’s time to investigate another new cereal offering, and see whether or not clever marketing and internet hysteria really deliver where it counts: taste.

No, I didn’t order Chocolatey Captain Crunch off Amazon, although for the super low price of $9.95, you too can find yourself in possession of the sweetened corn and oat cereal made with “real cocoa.” I’ve been on the hunt for this treat -  apparently an attempt to resurrect previous chocolate Cap’n Crunch variants - ever since reading about it on The Impulsive Buy earlier this year, but all my attempts have yielded no results. Being the resourceful young millennial I am, I of course turned to the internet, and the handy-dandy Chocolatey Captain Crunch locator. A few text messages and a few bucks later, I procured the necessary means to make this review a reality.

Upon careful first inspection, the pieces of “Chocolatey Crunch” are almost identical to regular crunch pieces, although more likely to be stuck together and a bit lighter and crisper. They smell a bit like corn and stale cocoa, and, when eaten one at a time, taste unremarkable and devoid of anything associated with the word “chocolate.” In fact, I’d use the phrase “fail, see EPIC” to describe my initial snack tasting of this chocolate version, finding no hint of richness or even the sweetness of coconut oil-toasted goodness typically found in regular Cap’n Crunch. And to think, I nearly paid 10 bucks a box for these on Amazon!

Guided by a hope that milk would redeem Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch, I proceeded to add the dairy to the coal-looking pieces. Because of circumstance involving me + a mountain + no car, my access to dairy is often confined to shelf stable items, but a half cup of fat free evaporated milk and two tablespoons of half and half figured to add a sweet richness to my after dinner bowl.

The good news for you Crunch fanatics out there is that Chocolatey Captain Crunch will indeed stick to the roof of your mouth, and that, when given time to absorb milk, will become sweeter. The bad news is that the chocolate flavor is still incredibly weak. I mean, it might be weaker than Cookie Crisp, for crying out loud. There’s not even any artificial berry flavor to help balance out the singular, weak notes of cocoa, and no textural mix-ins to help break up the sweet corn pieces that build up on the upper reaches of your mouth.

I was curious to why this cereal wasn’t being advertised or distributed more, but now I see why. For a chocolate kids cereal… it sucks. There’s really no other way of putting it, and despite my love of Cap’n Crunch Berries, I can’t help but label Chocolatey Cap’n Crunch among the single greatest disappointments in all of cereal-dom. Which leads me to my final point – a cereal exchange. I’ve heard reports of French Toast Crunch being available in Canada, and, being a lover of the great quest of cereal hunting, I’m asking any of our friendly Canadian readers to reach out to us here if you’d be willing to indulge my curiosity for kids cereal. I’m open to bartering, of course, provided you’re not an Ottawa Senators fan and provided you won’t make me sell my soul as a lifelong Buffalo Sabres fan.

Adam’s Cereal Ranking Index:

• Sweetness: 6.00/10
• Flavor: 2.00/10
• Snackability: 3.00/10
• Healthy Junk: 5.00/10
• End Milk: 5.00/10 (Adjusted for sweetness and richness of combo)
• Nostalgia: 9.00/10

Final Score: 5.00/10

Past Cereal Reviews:

[Chocolate Lucky Charms] [Waffle Crisp] [Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch] [Chocolatey Frosted Mini Spooners] [Honey Graham Trackers] [Cinnabon] [Marshmallow Pebbles] [Fiber One Caramel Delight] [Kashi Honey Sunshine]